Uh...

I feel weirdly optimistic today, something I haven't felt in months. I'm hoping this feeling continues throughout the day. Nothing really is different today than any other day. I did finally realize that I need to confide in someone other than myself and that the possibility of medication to offset this depression might not be the worst idea. Something just finally clicked this morning, in a good way. I have been unhappy for as long as I can remember. Don't get me wrong, there have definitely been some good times and times that I have seen and felt happiness, but there is always a cloud over me. ALWAYS. I think it's time I finally try something else other than the constant contemplations I have in my mind. I am definitely concerned about talking to someone, I mean they are a stranger after all and they are just doing there job - why the fuck would they care? I mean really, talking to someone that doesn't give a shit feels pathetic. Not to say it is, but that's how I feel about my situation. But honestly, I will do whatever it takes to not just see gray, fucking gray, all the fucking time.

Dragass

Today couldn't possibly feel any longer. I have been at work for 7.5 hours. It feels like 24, maybe longer. You know how when something really fun is happening in your life, like vacation or Christmas, you wish it to last long, as long as possible? Well, this day, and every work day, is the complete OPPOSITE and I have but just one singular wish, "please day, go by quickly." That shit NEVER comes true.

My conclusion, and the one that the kids at my other job agree with, is this - Fuck, it's not fair, life just isn't fair.

J-O-B

Let me just quickly tell you - When I die I'm not going to hell. Why, you ask?! Because I am ALREADY fucking there. Life is HELL, at least for right now.

Today is hump day, you know Wednesday, but unfortunately there is no humping going on for me. Just my ass growing as I sit here, slowly dying from the inside out, at my desk. I literally want to loudly scream the word FUCK and then get up and walk the fuck out. Not before flipping over my desk though and then, of course, ripping off my shirt. This job is BORING, and I say that lightly. I could say it hardly, but that doesn't make any sense, and if it did it would just be a constant, rambling stream of the F word and maybe a couple of douches. That is how my mind works.

You see this rambling that is going on?! That is what my mind feels like. I desperately want to, 1. overuse the caps lock so you can understand that I AM YELLING, because I can't do it in real life, and 2. have a constant flow of curse words going on.... just because.

I know I haven't really done a good job at explaining why my life is such crap, but don't worry I promise I will get around to it. Lucky you!!

Misery loves Company

Last night my boyfriend and I had a discussion about "our relationship" wherein I told him it was time to put his big boy pants on, and he told me I should stop being so miserable all the time.

I really wanted to say "go fuck yourself, I'm miserable because I live with a toddler," but because it's only half true, I didn't.

I think it's time for me to stop being so miserable all the time, not for him though, for me.

So, it's been a couple years...

I just realized this blog was still in existence, I also noticed that not one person has viewed it. Obviously.

You'll be surprised to find out that, after 2 years, my life has dramatically changed. I still work with the kids, but not full-time anymore. Surprisingly, $11 an hour just can't pay the bills. I now work with them for 15 lovely hours on Sundays, every Sunday.

After quitting full-time at the school, I went to work at a BMW dealership, an hour away from my house, doing warranty claims. I'm pretty sure I cried everyday, seriously I'm not fucking with you, everyday. But working at that job paid the bills and allowed me to save up for my very first house. Huge accomplishment for me. I probably should have stayed working there so I could pay my mortgage. Eh, oh well, that's what I get for trying to achieve my dreams. Now I work at a marketing firm, about 5 miles from my house. Let me tell you what I like about this job, the commute and the people, that's about it. I'm not going to go into anymore detail because I can only bitch so much before it becomes horribly annoying, which I'm pretty sure happened in the first sentence.



-E